"Where is the love?"

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love...

There is something I have been feeling for the last year or so, which I am afraid to admit. I think it started towards the end of '04, when I read about acedie from a series of posts at Flos Carmeli. It is that creeping sense of cold that catches one unaware and jolts only when half of one's body is paralysed... Perhaps I'm being a little too dramatic here; but read the description of acedie and tell me whether you have never felt a moment like those?

This Easter, I wrote, I felt a sense of joy that comes from my faith that Jesus is indeed risen from the dead; He has assumed flesh so that we may become divine. This ultimate sacrifice I believe in; this ultimate union brought me joy. Yet, at moments when I feel utterly drained after a long day at work to an empty room, and strangely also helpless, because none of what I do seem to benefit anyone, I ask "Where is Joy? Where is Love?"

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I must admit my taste for music veers towards the classical & oldies, and Black Eyed Peas isn't the normal kind of songs I hear. Sometime last year, I went out singing karaoke with a group of friends from CHOICE and saw their music video complete with their song's lyrics. Everyone was struck silent for a moment after this song played.

"Where is the love" indeed. In a world that seemed stricken with suffering, the singers ask where is the love. A cynical reader wrote: "There is war and young people are dying. And what is the Catholic Church worried about? 'The Da Vinci Code.'" While I don't agree with the writer, I do think many times, we often get our short-term priorities mixed up. For a while now, I've been trying to discern in what situation would I serve God best: leave, stay, or stay & do something else, and I came to realize I need to pray more and pay attention to my surroundings to discern what God has to tell me.

Reading Pope Benedict XVI's Deus Caritas Est, I felt distressed that I was unable to comprehend what is this love he was talking about, and worse, I could not feel what love is. What is love? What does it mean to love? The Church teaches that Jesus dies on the Cross because He loves us and He obeys the Father's will. So love means doing the will of one whom we love. Does one feel love when performing an act of love? If one does some action or sacrifice for the good of others but does not feel that 'warm, fuzzy feeling', does that mean it is not done with love? If one prays out of concern for others but does not feel that love, does that mean it is done with love? If one prays for God's will but does not feel any warmth, does that mean it is not done in love? Is it love that one feels when we prostrate before the Blessed Sacrament?

I came to a horrible conclusion I might have lost that capacity to love a lot of things, and I suspect, people too! I've never been an overly warm person, but this latest bout... Can anyone lose a capacity to love while still alive? (Only in Hell there is absolute rejection/absence of love)

(I'm going to bed now.. I pray and believe that each day brings every man a new hope!) O Jesus who is all Love, teach me to Love!