Waiting this advent

Despite the fact that I have always loved the season of Advent, and despite the fact that this year Advent in my life has all the characteristics of waiting, I don't feel at all ready to hear, much less live, the message of Advent. It makes me a little sad how frigid (well, the weather doesn't help) my attitude has been this advent. The birth of Christ, lovingly awaited by thousands of faithful, seems more than a million miles away from me. Even as I helped to put up several Christmas crib scenes around the residence, I wish, I just wish, I could feel a little more enthusiastic, more affectionate, more recollected, to welcome this great mystery of the God who was made man and dwelt amongst us.

For 'cultural' Catholics, this would be easy to identify with. After all, they have grown up surrounded by the myth, (but not quite the mystery) of Christmas, ever since they could remember. All that gifts and warm fire and general atmosphere of festivities may be all Christmas means for many. I count myself amongst them, although neither my family is culturally Catholic nor am I a cradle Catholic.

This year I have the unusual privilege of having nearly two weeks of 'relatively free' time to think (and prepare) about what Christmas means, or should mean.

Struggling to get back 'on track', I tried to imagine being on 'the other side', being the One who is coming to a people who has kind of forgotten him, or is growing tired of waiting for him. How suitably post-modern it is to try to understand a situation from the 'other' point of view.. well. Anyway, as I was saying, I read and prayed, and those exhortations to get prepared, to get ready to welcome God made man, God-made-child, could not lift me up through the thick stupor of routine.

But just imagine: how it'd be like for you, if you were the one waiting to be born, waiting to enter into time, waiting to walk amongst us, His ungrateful creatures, waiting to save us, since... since the beginning of mankind, since the fall of our first parents. Talk about waiting! Our 4-week long advent, or even a lifetime of waiting, is nothing, compared to the thousands of years (millions or trillions, if you are an ID-and-evolutionist like me) that He has been waiting to come into our lives.

Imagine His enthusiasm, His joy, and most humbling of all, His need, to be with us. As omnipotent God who made everything out of nothing, it is unimaginable, inconceivable (indeed, a folly to the Greeks and a stumbling block to the Jews), that God would 'lower' Himself to save creatures who sadly, do not always recognize Him and even when they do, do not always reciprocate, nor even appreciate, the magnitude of this gesture of love. It is mind-boggling, to think that, God's gesture to us almost says "I need you, I want your love", when it is us who should be saying all that to the One who brought us to existence. And He did come, two thousand years ago, and since then, waiting to come anew into our lives, every Christmas.

How fitting it is that December is filled with various feasts of Mary; from the 8th, her Immaculate Conception, to 10th, Our Lady of Loreto, to the 12th, Our Lady of Guadalupe. She knew all about waiting for the One. She knew He has waited much longer, with much more longing, than she, or anyone else, had.

Well. This is my short reflection this Advent. This has helped me a lot; this Christmas, I am going to try to be a little bit more conscious of this wonderfully stupefying fact, that God has waited for me first. May this Advent bring you truly closer to Christ.

Is Christ in my city? Is Christ in my country?

Following up after the last post, I realized this Christmas, while spent also in the heat of Jakarta, is unique, like it has always been. My sister and I took the afternoon flight on Christmas Day and arrived before 3 o'clock in Jakarta. Apart from the usual spartan decoration of the airport and the occasional Christmas-themed advertisement billboards, there was little else to indicate that it was Christmas.

My dad was waiting for us with a huge smile on his face. My mom, as usual, was supervising wholesale distribution of all kinds of beverage at her 'shop' - come rain or shine, Christmas or no. So we spent Christmas at the 'shop', waiting for her business to conclude for the day and had a quiet dinner.

Grace awaited us
My confessor had reminded me to remember to pray while 'on vacation', so I went home with a little apprehension lest the laxity of being on vacation at home makes us forget Him. This year though, Grace came in a form of a person :) It was a friend studying in the university in Singapore, who also spent her Christmas with her family, in another city in Indonesia.

Daily she would text me with a short snippet of what is happening to her and around her. Inevitably it would contain a prayer request, a concrete reminder for me to not forget to say my prayers. Her first text message echoed my silent lament: In Singapore we were positively inundated with Christmas decoration at every corner of every shopping mall, albeit for commercial purposes. For a self-proclaimed secular country with a Muslim majority like Indonesia, Christmas atmosphere was strikingly absent.

A few years ago, I would have "complained" and told myself that it is not my fault if I can't "feel" Christmas back at home. If I did not feel particularly charitable nor joyful during these diebus nativitatis, I would have attributed it to the lack of Christmas atmosphere. I was naive and silly, indeed, for wasn't Christ born for all of us in the whole world? Not only for those who were fortunate enough to live in countries that celebrate Christmas properly.

Looking back at the story of my own conversion, I realize that Indonesia and Indonesian Christians have the missionaries to thank. It is these silent martyrs and heroes who, perhaps inspired to bring the joy of Christmas to the pagan East, brought the Good News to my country. The joy of Christ was not meant to stay only in Bethlehem, nor in Palestine, nor in Europe. In the stifling heat of Indonesia, Christ is proclaimed.

Soon night fell and my sister & I found myself waiting in darkness in the car with the radio singing quiet tunes. My parents were out buying the next day's supplies for their 'shop'. I could hear my sister's thoughts echoing my own and my friend's: what a way to spend Christmas day! Suddenly, as if upon a cue, the radio played a most beautiful rendition of Ave Verum Corpus! I didn't cry, but I must confess I leapt with joy upon hearing that hymn, for it was balm to a drooping spirit.

No matter what circumstances we find ourselves in, I know that Christ is in Indonesia, Christ is in my city, and Christ is in my family!

'Twas the night before Christmas...

Here's wishing everyone a very joyful Christmas! And a happy New Year!

This post comes really, really late. I had been wanting to write before Christmas; but the days before Christmas were really busy and before we know it, the Christmas season is coming to an end this Sunday.

Every year Christmas brings a new wonder in my life. I don't ever recall spending two Christmases alike!

The Saturday before Christmas, my housemates and I threw a party. It was a pleasant surprise when I 'met' an old friend of mine online, and she agreed to come. While inviting your friends to a party through an IM client is not unusual, it is still a pleasant surprise to chat with her at last, because I haven't logged on to any IM in half a year, and I haven't seen this friend in at least 8 years! We hit it off as if we were never apart.

This year, I was asked to play the organ for the Christmas Midnight Mass. Since the usual musician was away, I had to agree and because it has been many years since I last played the keyboard, I was unquestionably apprehensive. To play for an audience was bad enough, but to play for Jesus in the Mass, and a solemn Latin mass at that, is even worse. So for a week before Christmas, we scrambled to put together the repertoire of songs appropriate for the occasion.

Soon the Christmas eve was here! Since our singing voices refuse to align to our ears, we had to transpose some of the songs so as to avoid breaking any glasses in the chapel. I discovered that music softwares are amazing! (I used Notation Composer) All I need to do was to load a MIDI file, and lo and behold, the score is nicely written out. A few more clicks and it is magically transposed to whichever chord you desire! Another click allowed me to annotate the score with the right chords. It really saved the day.

As for the Mass itself, I looked back to it with awe. We sang Puer Natus, Adeste Fideles, and all the sung parts in the style of Missa de Angelis. I personally spent two days practising those songs and 'finding' the right chords, and four weeks of Advent to welcome the Child who is our savior. Although my ears are better than my fingers and suffered much listening to my own crude playing, I must say I am very happy to be able to play for Him that night ;)

Belated Epiphany

To tell the truth, I often prefer Advent over Christmas. Now, I know that Christmas is a great feast and that the magnitude of this mystery is the reason why the faithful prepare ourselves for its celebration for several weeks before the D-Day, known as the Advent period. Yet, Advent mirrors our life of journey and waiting, but Christmas... (I think) no one who is still alive can ever experience the fullest meaning of Christmas. For me it bode eternal salvation, which obviously, we cannot yet experience here.

This Christmas has been one full of struggles personally. The year 2007 has been an intense year, and I struggled to 'sync' my ups and downs with the rhythm of the Church's liturgical calendar, trying to introduce a drop of sensus Ecclesiae into my life. In a way, I imagine it felt very much like what the three Magi must have gone through in their journey to look for the Child.

'Vidimus stellam eius'
The star beckons the three wise men, just like God's call beckons. Along the way, perhaps sometimes they lost sight of the star, perhaps sometimes the terrain was hard-going; such that following a star from a distant land seems, to a rational mind, like a touch of summer madness. But left their palace they did. And so did I.

'et venimus adorare eum'
While the 3 magi did find the Child, I'm still on my journey. At this stage I must say it hasn't been too bad, but there had been moments of wariness and doubt. Doubt that the star wasn't some figment of my imagination. Doubt that what the star signifies is worth leaving my palace for. Doubt that I can find Christ at the end of the journey and not be distracted by curiosity in foreign lands.

I'm currently reading "The Tremendous Lover" by Eugene Boylan. In the first few chapters, he explored the theme of Redemption, and what will be at the end: [one] Christ loving Himself. I found a little 'epiphany' in Boylan's attempt to show the glory of God who is omniscient, of God who knows all things to come, and the outcome of all possibilities. And yet, His preference to let mankind live outside Paradise, suffering the consequence of the original sin, who were later redeemed by the Passion of His Son, must imply that (humanly speaking) amongst all possibilities, He sees that this universe, with its suffering, is the best way to restore the dignity and the glory of His creation. Meditating upon this 'choice' of universe, His choice of allowing us to suffer and become co-operators in our own redemption, I can say safely that I will never comprehend His scheme of things in this lifetime. Wherefore does this lead me?

While reading about classical argument for the existence of God, this question crossed my mind: can earnest employment of reason lead us astray? Just what does a Christian have that an agnostic (for agnosticisim is the best conclusion an erroneous reason could lead to) could not have in life? Hope. Hope that there is more for our souls than what earthly tribulation exacts from our bodies. A skeptic could say, if there is God, He has a funny way of introducing Himself. Why allow evil to exist in the world when He is omnipotent and could have easily got rid of it? But God's folly is greater than our wisdom. His ways are not ours, and God's logic, saves us at the end.

"Glory to God in the highest; and on earth peace to men of good will."

"For, this day, is born to you a Saviour, who is Christ the Lord, in the city of David." -- Luke 2:11

Merry Christmas to everyone! (I'm going home!)