Disclaimer: a lot of these thoughts are private & personal, I only put some of them here because they are background of a story I think I'd like to give witness to. You have been warned.
These past few weeks in the Easter season, I felt such dry-ness that was never before so apparent. Each day was as bad as the one before: my grandmother came to visit the whole of last week; I still went for masses & confessions. But only part of me seemed to live. Fast forward to Monday (today): another long day of bug-fixing, constantly interrupted with mundane requests to perform yet more fixes that should not come to me because I'm running a tight schedule on another product. It was 21:45, time to go home; I had lost my temper a few times that day and productivity was going down. Another day of half-consciously-lived life.
On the way home I thought, how on earth did this happen? How did I suddenly find myself unable to see, feel, taste, hear or touch the love of God? How was it possible that I can not feel much compassion for pretty much anything? How much longer must You hide Your face? I found myself asking. How much longer must I walk in this shadow? I was afraid my faith would wither and die due to lack of light. (I confess I have said more things more embarrassing than those!)
When I received in my inbox today's commentary of the daily Gospel reading, I was astounded to read this:
“That you may find peace in me”
“Lord, since the days of my youth my mind has sought an I-don’t-know-what with impatient thirst. So what was it, Lord? I still haven’t understood it entirely. It is many years now that I have ardently desired it, and I have not yet been able to grasp it… And yet that is what draws my heart and my soul and without which I cannot settle down in true peace.
Lord, I wanted to find happiness in the creatures of this world, as I saw so many people doing all around me. But the more I sought, the less I found; the closer I got, the further away I was. For everything told me: “I am not what you are seeking.” So is it you, Lord, whom I have sought for so long? Has the attraction of my heart always and constantly been struggling to reach you? Then why did you not show yourself to me? How could you put off this meeting for so long? On how many exhausting paths have I got bogged down? For the person whom you anticipate with so much love, is truly happy, the person whom you do not let rest until he seeks his rest in you alone.
—Blessed Henry Suso (around 1295 – 1366), Dominican
The Book of Eternal Wisdom
Is this walk in the shadow a part of His answer as well? Blessed Henry Suso certainly believed so!
As I arrived home, too tired and preoccupied to prepare dinner, I saw a little box of lapis surabaya (three-layered sponge cake: yellow, brown and yellow) that my mom gave to my grandma to pass to me. Although I don't have a sweet tooth, I recall with some sadness that I would normally refuse to carry lots of food my mom prepared for me whenever I am leaving home. Today this little slice of my mom's love tasted so smooth and sweet, as if it was God's own gracious answer to my plea: indeed, I had a taste of the love of God tonight. Deo gratias!