Solaris vs. FreeBSD vs. Linux

On a slightly less heavy-hearted topic, let's talk about OS-es :D yay, my next favourite subject!

Did I mention we've got a Solaris machine now? Our very own living breathing Solaris machine. An old baby, for sure, but a Solaris baby nevertheless. After the initial excitement has quietened, I realised that I've completely forgotten Solaris eccentricities. You see, Solaris was my 'rude' introduction to the NIX* world three years ago, and since then I have moved on to FreeBSD for servers and Linux for desktops.

Well, it's like getting re-acquainted to an old lover ;)

I've been reading, and reading, and reading. It's interesting to actually do something else than read and work on the computers. Anyway, most recently, I've been reading Pope John Paul II's retreat spiritual exercises, given when he was still a priest in Cracow, Poland. Way long ago, when he was still known as Karol Wojtyla.

There have been so much new insights, about dignity of human persons, God's plan for each of us, and others of similarly 'spiritual' nature. For me, this period is what most people would call 'busy': I have a BIG deadline two days from now, i have a messed up thread of a dead relationship, i'm moving out of my old place, and i'm going home in three days time. Sure, I look busy. Yet, I refuse to think, or believe that I am 'busy'. I'd suspect that word is invented in a highly secularist period :)

The Holy Father, speaking in his retreat in 1962, wrote that work and suffering, are two things that can bring us closer to Christ. Although busy-ness is often an indication of how much one is 'working', too often it is a poor substitute for the fulfilment of our human destiny. For work in the truest sense involves service and love. And despite the antisocial that I truly am, I think not even my 'work' can delude me into believing that I'm too busy for anyone and anything else. For service and love are not going to be achieved by spending 24 hours of my time working and shutting out everything else.

Now at this point, I am terribly conflicted. Terribly conflicted because everytime the topic of 'busy-ness' comes up, I will remember him: he who claimed to 'sacrifice' much of his time to 'help' me despite his 'busy-ness'. No doubt he has good intent. I don't doubt for an instant that he believes what he says. Yet it is sad, truly tragic, to lose a friend because I no longer believe any truth in what he says.

I have not gone for communion in two weeks :( I missed Pentecost. I was sick the first Sunday and too slothful to go the next. And I'm not worthy. My falling out with him has led me to believe that I'm not worthy to receive communion. Everytime something there is something hypocritical or sadly deluded, I will always associate it with him. How can I be in a state of grace when I could not be at peace with one of my own friends? And I cannot resolve it with him, for I cannot very well tell him I think he's been hypocritical and untruthful with me. To be fair, I too have had my share of hypocrisy.

Field of Grounded Arms

Sleep, comrades, sleep and rest
  On this Field of the Grounded Arms,
Where foes no more molest,
  Nor sentry's shot alarms!
Ye have slept on the ground before,
  And started to your feet
At the cannon's sudden roar,
  Or the drum's redoubling beat.
But in this camp of Death
  No sound your slumber breaks;
Here is no fevered breath,
  No wound that bleeds and aches.
All is repose and peace,
  Untrampled lies the sod;
The shouts of battle cease,
  It is the Truce of God!
Rest, comrades, rest and sleep!
  The thoughts of men shall be
As sentinels to keep
  Your rest from danger free.
Your silent tents of green
  We deck with fragrant flowers;
Yours has the suffering been,
  The memory shall be ours.

Henry Wordsworth Longfellow

Re-reading his post, i've identified what it is I was so hurt about.

Father, he wrote that he's been neglecting You, that being with his friends reminded him of the relationship he once had with You. that hurts so much. You know very well i don't wish to judge anyone's spirituality: but if he's been worshipping You all these time with me, how can I take his relationship with You away? Was it not real? Does my relationship with You not bring him closer to You too?

How could i be so wrong... Fallacy. All fallacy. How can i remain his friend? How can i?

I've decided that my earlier post about him is completely unfair. I have no right to castigate him. None at all. What i've described probably formed the 'holistic' reason why i cannot be with him anymore. BUT i have no right to criticize how he handles the hurt. May God be his constant companion.

I too recognised the loss of a friend, and recognised what I'm doing now to make up for the severance. I'm picking up Spanish, stepping up on my work, and have been more contemplative than before. An interesting, compelling reading has been Pope John Paul II's biography. I've became totally, completely inspired. His entire life is marked with devotion and consecration of his talents to God's service. Living in tragedy and persecution, he showed just how, in human weaknesses, God can shine through.

Storm in my heart

Today i read his blog. And saw how eloquently he expresses his plight. and how he turns to God.

To be fair, he does not say i was the cause of his plight. to be fair, he does not vilify me. so why am i so sad as i write this? "The wise keeps silent", they said. And so have i tried to be. The storm in my heart remains for God and I to work out.

What i despise is the hypocrisy of it all. Telling everybody that he's ok, that he's turning to God, that he's accepting the separation with both hands. Oh have i tried, have i tried, to be his friend. But he's pushing himself away from me. Perhaps it's for the best. Perhaps i never had a friend in him :|

Maybe i should be sorry, maybe i should try to explain to him. But not being the eloquent truth-twister (well.. he's quite good at it!), i chose silence. the more he comes, the further he pushed himself. I sound confused, because i know not what to do about this person i see i can help, and yet one who refuses to see he has not been his true self. And now, i see him like a tiny ship caught in a storm of my own making.

Perhaps someday Father, you will tell him what i mean.

it's simply amazing to know how much have happened in the last three, four weeks or so :)

first, i had a nasty fall, gouged a piece of flesh in my leg and got myself stitched. not healed yet. at least i'm not hobbling anymore..

and that happened right on the eve of my moving day: and the place was simply awful. simply awful. now that i've found a new place i have yet to find someone to replace me :|

and now i'm all alone once more :D

happy? i don't know. relieved? perhaps. sad? definitely. i thought i'm liberated - from all the things i've simply tolerated, but it feels more than ever like i've lost a friend. in any case, it's time for me to make new friends. he's been taking up much of my time; he's been pretty much my "crutch". it's time to get up and learn how to walk all over again.

it's been sometime since i last blogged. lots of insights, not enough time to reflect on them. let's see:
- watched the Passion,
- celebrated Easter,
- got interesting insight from Sancta Sanctis
- reading Henri Nouwen now..

i'm afraid, so very afraid, that what Nouwen described, is exactly what i'm going through now. Spiritual Death. I hope it's not too late to do something about it. I need a long break, to get away from the wordly world, and ask myself again the question Jesus asks Peter, "Do you love me?"

What Kind of Cross are You?

Two days to submission! Panic is rising as i think i've got 'em writing blocks!
Anyway... another quizilla quiz:
What Kind of Cross are You?
i'm apparently a "Corpus Christi"...

You are the Corpus Christi Crucifix: The cross that
bears the body of Christ is the most venerated
of all the crosses. It hangs in the most sacred
places in the world and inspires the faithful
to contemplate the suffering of Christ.

Which book of the Bible are you?

Which book of the Bible are you?


You are Psalms.


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