Wednesday, June 09, 2004

I've been reading, and reading, and reading. It's interesting to actually do something else than read and work on the computers. Anyway, most recently, I've been reading Pope John Paul II's retreat spiritual exercises, given when he was still a priest in Cracow, Poland. Way long ago, when he was still known as Karol Wojtyla.

There have been so much new insights, about dignity of human persons, God's plan for each of us, and others of similarly 'spiritual' nature. For me, this period is what most people would call 'busy': I have a BIG deadline two days from now, i have a messed up thread of a dead relationship, i'm moving out of my old place, and i'm going home in three days time. Sure, I look busy. Yet, I refuse to think, or believe that I am 'busy'. I'd suspect that word is invented in a highly secularist period :)

The Holy Father, speaking in his retreat in 1962, wrote that work and suffering, are two things that can bring us closer to Christ. Although busy-ness is often an indication of how much one is 'working', too often it is a poor substitute for the fulfilment of our human destiny. For work in the truest sense involves service and love. And despite the antisocial that I truly am, I think not even my 'work' can delude me into believing that I'm too busy for anyone and anything else. For service and love are not going to be achieved by spending 24 hours of my time working and shutting out everything else.

Now at this point, I am terribly conflicted. Terribly conflicted because everytime the topic of 'busy-ness' comes up, I will remember him: he who claimed to 'sacrifice' much of his time to 'help' me despite his 'busy-ness'. No doubt he has good intent. I don't doubt for an instant that he believes what he says. Yet it is sad, truly tragic, to lose a friend because I no longer believe any truth in what he says.

I have not gone for communion in two weeks :( I missed Pentecost. I was sick the first Sunday and too slothful to go the next. And I'm not worthy. My falling out with him has led me to believe that I'm not worthy to receive communion. Everytime something there is something hypocritical or sadly deluded, I will always associate it with him. How can I be in a state of grace when I could not be at peace with one of my own friends? And I cannot resolve it with him, for I cannot very well tell him I think he's been hypocritical and untruthful with me. To be fair, I too have had my share of hypocrisy.

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