"So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to uncover them — because of the blasphemy — If there be God — please forgive me — When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven — there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives & hurt my very soul. — I am told God loves me — and yet the reality of darkness & coldness & emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul. Did I make a mistake in surrendering blindly to the Call of the Sacred Heart?"
-- Mother Teresa, addressed to Jesus, at the suggestion of a confessor, undated
Mother Teresa, has always been this character of superhuman strength to me, yet one whose ministry did not particularly appeal to me. What is even more amazing, is that, since the darkness began at her new ministry in Calcutta, how she managed to carry out her ministry of love amongst the poorest, without consolations from God at all! There is a new book I haven't read yet, Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light; it draws from her letters describing her spiritual dark nights in a very moving way, but in it some already predicted she will soon be known as one of the mystic saints.
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Hi Anthonia,
What a Long time!
Came online this night to update one of my sites www.anewnigeria.org and thought in wise to pop into your blog and see what's happening
Hope u don't mind my leaving this message here....
I remember an old saying
.............................................
Make new friends but keep the old
For the new are silver
But the old are Gold
...............................................
I've worn myself these past few months trying to be a new person, trying to leave the past where it is and take on new things. With all the hurt and neglect I received from those whom I had called my friends and whom I cherished and trusted so dearly, I decided to just fly away like the birds and find a new world for myself. I decided to leave the monotony of the past and get busy with something new. I had tired myself out trying to help my friends achieve their dreams and at the peak of it all, at the moment of their victory, they look for excuses to put me behind the cupboard and take all the glory/pofits to themselves. They left me alone with all the wounds I had incured while trying to help them. Of course, I've learnt my lesson the hard way. Build your dream first before anyone else.
My health has been so great these past few months, thanks to God and to my big brother(doctor) and I am so amazed to see the Great prospects and victories I had made within these past few months of doing my things my own way and depending more on God and faith with each passing day, rather than on friends who will never be there for me when I need them most, And Oh! They are all around me again seeking my friendly assistance to hasten the development of their projects, but wait a moment.... have they forgotten so soon all the pain and hurt they caused me. I wish I could lash my anger out on them, but then, the meekness of Christ restrains me and once again I find myself being pulled into their nest. "Once beaten, twice shy" the saying goes......The Love of Christ prevents me from saying 'No' even to those who have really hurt me, but then I have to be wise while dealing with them again knowing that what they seek in disguise is their personal interests and not our interests as a team. Ofcourse, they really cannot get as much time from me now as they used to get before free ( All my services now must be paid for)
More so, Trust is very delicate when betrayed....With every disappointment, it fades away ........ It has become so hard for me to trust anyone now since those whom I felt were the best actually let me down. It's not right venting my anger out to those completely innocent of it, but then the wound has already been created in me and will take some time to heal. If I could suffer all these pain just from close friends, how much then would it be from a lover. Just thank God I kept myself away from all the alluring invitations to intimacy as it would have been too much for me to bear if I had also suffered a heartbreak during this period . Oh no! I Will be 27 in a month or so from now and while my friends are all rejoicing with their heart-throb, I am yet to find someone truly capable of taking care of this delicate heart of mine. Anyway, I'm still young. I console myself...How time flies...I have always told myself that "my true love" (http://youthtreasure.blogspot.com/2006/03/are-you-one.html) is the last thing on my achievement plan (ie. if I decide to opt in for matrimony). But then I am still scared. If I cannot learn to deal with emotional problems and intimacy now....when will I? is it when I am so old with grey hair? Anyway God will be my help.
It's so nice to still find people like Anthonia still there doing what they've always been doing, updating her blog/inventing and bringing inspiration to readers. Surely when the Master Jesus returns, no doubt that He will find you at the right place doing the right thing. I'm really happy for you, Tonia..., Missed your lovely and inspiring sermons. And ur smiles...(still waiting for the day I will be privileged to unveil the great face behind the Catholic Linux Monkey)
And what are the best Lessons I've learnt from life these past few months?
- True beauty lies not on outer looks but in the heart .......The more beautiful they are outside, the more careful you should be... . Samuel, beware of them.... guard your treasures...
- Be good to everyone you meet on the way cause you never can tell who will be there to help you when you are falling down
- Place your friends at the level where they trully belong. Don't be too quick to trust them.
- There is a safe boundary limit in every relationship with the opposite sex, you'll remain free/unhurt/untouched if you do not cross that boundary nor allow them to cross it.
- Don't crawl like a snail when you can soar like an eagle. Don't allow obstacles deter you. Shoot for moon, even if you miss it, you will land among the "Stars".
- Lastly its not what I have in life that matters most but whom I have in my life.
I've been making several new friends lately but can't find any as good as the old ones. (Maybe because I'm afraid to trust like before) .....Inspite of all the pain they've caused me, I really cannot deny the fact that I still love them especially for all the good old times we've had working together in the past. Moreso. the old saying goes "The devil you know is better than the angel you do not know"
Mother Theresa, what could God be wanting to tell me this time around through all these? I sit and ponder... I recall your words Theresa, "Until it begins to hurt, all are but a pretence of Love"
And finally I end my message with the same words
..................................................................
Make new friends but keep the old
For the new are silver
But the old are Gold
....................................................................
So then Anthonia, just a quick update of where I am now. I know u are usually so busy....feel free to reach me anyday / anytime you can through any of the info below.
My Personal Website: www.samuel.okechukwu.com
My Hobby Site(s): www.talentsworld.org www.anewnigeria.org
Email: as usual
Mobile: +2348082551347 ....English Voice... / SMS
All the best in your endeavours/aspirations
A distant friend from a distant country
Samuel
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