Yesterday I went for prayer meeting and the gospel reading is this upcoming Sunday's: where Jesus walked on water, and St. Peter too, before his faith wavered. It was uncannily close to the story of my own journey of faith.
I just finished reading a short version of St Augustine's Confessions, and his and St Peter's words echoed back as I remember that I often think how meaningless and mundane people's lives are (especially those in developed countries), and how we get frustrated hearing about starving children in Africa but not doing anything about poverty in the world.
Like St Augustine, I sometimes said in my prayer, "Grant me <this> God, but not yet." The distraction would often be my current work and little start-up. Sometimes some big events happened, which would inspire me to ponder a bit further about Meaning, and then I'd remember the words of St John of the Cross, who said that through suffering we climb up the 'ladder' (the cross) into Heaven. Against wise advice of "pray that we may not be put to the test", secretly I wonder what harm could a little test be, if at the end of it, we find our true strength in Him?
Then jolly St Peter came into the foray, with his request that Jesus beckon him, only to falter and cry out "Save me, Lord!". How can one not identify with St Peter? Again and again, I remember wanting to commit myself to work in the field of the Lord, only to buckle under worldly demands and then having to say, "Sorry Lord, I can't take this, save me!"
"You man of little faith! Why did you doubt?" My first reaction to that would be to say I am no longer doubting. For many years prior to my baptism, I used to pray nightly to "Whoever is up there" for Him to reveal Himself. After baptism, I no longer doubt who He is. But there is a deeper dimension I am seeking.
"But who do you say that I am?" This is what I am trying to figure out now. Who is He in my life? What role do I see Him as? What do I want to see Him as, at the end of this life?