Through the looking glass, darkly

Tonight I had the chance to stay up a little later and pray the Way of the Cross, although from outside the chapel. It was an interesting experience as the chapel was closed and pitch dark, except for a tiny light shining from the vigil lamp.

As I prayed the Stations, alternating between genuflecting, standing up and kneeling down, before a tabernacle I could not see, something interesting occurred to me. Looking at the dark chapel illuminated only by the vigil lamp reminds me somewhat of my faith. Often, at times like now, the only thing that indicates that there is a tabernacle there, and that Jesus is present in the Blessed Sacrament inside, is that vigil lamp burning throughout the night. Sometimes, the only indicator I had, that God is here despite, and in the thick of, all the human sufferings, are the faithful who gave witness to the goodness of God by their selfless service, burning through the darkness for the Lord whom they serve.

Secondly, the only time I could see (barely) the outline of the Crucifix and the Tabernacle, is when the lights outside the chapel are turned off. When we are preoccupied with our own 'stuffs', filled with the self-importance of our own ambition, we cannot see the presence of God who awaits us in stillness.

Well. It's past my bedtime and I'm still out. Enough rambling tonight. Here's wishing everyone a blessed Holy Week ahead! Antonia checking out for the night ;)

A note from the desert

How's your Lent going? I dread this question, although my spiritual director had not asked this to me, as of today... I must confess this Lent has been difficult. Not that I've ever experienced an "easy" Lent. It's only slightly more than a week; and I'm already thinking of all the sharp and sarcastic things I could say after Lent, the things I could do after Lent, all the things I could allow myself to imagine after Lent. Unbelievable!

And then the moment of epiphany came when I read in one of Adoro's posts (in which she wrote about her discernment) that she hasn't been able to "give up sins" for Lent as she had planned. Duh! My first reaction was, how can we give up sinning for Lent when our feet are made of clay? And what's with this "attachment" to sins? I first encountered "attachment to sins" while reading about indulgences and conditions to gain the indulgences. Duh! Can anyone be attached to sins? How silly...

What an abrupt awakening I had when I realize that I too am attached to my sins. Attached to all those things that I told myself not to do during Lent. To these judgments, to these remarks that 'put people in their place', to these private thoughts that my way is the only correct one... The sharp retort that I swallowed back had no place neither during Lent nor after. Rich!

Embarrassment aside, thinking more deeply beyond a little suffering that we Catholics customarily allow ourselves during Lent, it makes no sense at all to be believing the way I had been acting. It makes no sense to tell myself to wait until Lent is over..., because Lent is not a period of self-imposed suffering that the Church made us go through. We have come to the desert voluntarily. Well, to a certain degree. When I consider how we have come freely to enter the Catholic Church, I remind myself how I *did* sign up for all these.

On the other extreme, before you examine how many donuts you did not pass, or how many times you said the rosary today, if you think your Lent has been going badly, let's take a look at the Mass reading from Monday 3rd Week of Lent, on the cure of Namaan, the Syrian (2 Kings 5:1-15ab):

Namaan, a commander in the Syrian army of the King of Aram, was struck with leprosy. His Jewish maid-servant suggested that he goes to Elisha the prophet, to ask for cure. Thus, with a letter from the king, and endowed with treasures in gold & silver, he went to Israel seeking for a cure. Elisha told him to bathe in the Jordan seven times, and this was met by a ludicrous response. Fortunately, he had wise servants who made him see the value of trying out this suggestion. He bathed, was cured and came back not only cured but enriched with the faith in the One God.

His story is amazing for its lesson in faith and humility: whenever we are tempted to think that God is asking us to do 'great acts' (of penance) to 'be cured' during Lent, only to be discouraged when we inevitably fall. For our lives, for whatever it is worth, are composed of 'little moments' of struggle fortified with grace. There is no shame in falling and rectifying all over again, since we know that Jesus had already won the battle.

"Remember you are dust..."

Lent is here once again.

That time of the year in which the Church spends forty days in the desert (so to speak) is here and I'm putting down a few resources for those coming here to look for "Lenten homilies":

• Click HERE for this year's Lenten message from Pope Benedict.
  
• From an article by a Benedictine about just what is to be gained by "giving something up" for Lent?
  
• From the website of the North American College in Rome, explanation of the ancient devotion of the "Lenten stational churches".  Each of the 44 churches are listed, along with their history and some pictures.
  
• Godzdogz provides a "virtual Lenten retreat" being posted on the internet by a group of Dominican students.  Each day during Lent, a new entry will appear with scriptural readings, reflections, etc.
  

Wishing all of you a blessed & joyful Lent ahead.

Holy Saturday

"What makes this night different from all the other nights?" -- this question is traditionally asked by the youngest member of a Jewish family during the Passover memorial meal. And for us Catholics too, we entered into the Easter Triduum asking the same question.

For forty days we have mortifed ourselves -- entered the desert, so to speak, and today, is the last day of that desert journey. It is an odd day of the calendar of the Church because today, God is not there in our tabernacles. What is a day without God? Technically of course, God is there. It's just that the second person of the Trinity, who have always been us throughout the year, is dead today.

We accompanied him in His Passion yesterday, today we await his resurrection. It's a strange day. Though we know he will rise on the third day, it doesn't make our loss any less.

In a few hours time, the first Masses of Easter Vigil would have begun. Let us await his resurrection!

Easter Triduum

Have a blessed Easter Triduum!
We're almost there...

Lenten update & the Eucharist

It has been only a little bit over two weeks since Lent started, but this year it felt like forever to me. There are many things happening at work, in my family and in my spiritual life. I wish sometimes I could blog it, but I realize now that most of them should be kept private, so I'm not planning to blog any major reflection, at least not until Lent is over.

As for me, my only wish is to draw closer to our Lord this Lent. As cliched as this may sound, it hasn't been easy. For a start, daily mass—more reverent & attentive daily mass—is in order. And there is no better example to follow than that of the saints when it comes to adoring our Lord in the Eucharist, especially during the Mass. This website is one of my favorites, and I shall try to feature several 'eucharistic' saints (a euphemism, I think, since how can one be a saint without being eucharistic???) during Lent to learn how to love the Eucharist more deeply. Coming soon...

Palm Sunday: Holy week is here

The Holy Week is upon us once more. In a few days' time, the Church is going to enter into the deepest of Mysteries in the holiest days of the Calendar. Some Catholic bloggers have likened entering the Holy Week to putting on a full (spiritual) battle-gear for this last stage of Lent. Some likened it to herding cats—it is almost impossible to get all of them into a 'pen'—just like it is impossible to get rid of all our faults in one Easter.

I could identify very much with the second kind of experience; no matter which resolutions have been 'achieved' this Lent, there are bound to be those which did not get nailed down. In any case, Holy Week and soon, Easter, pounce upon us just like Christ unexpectedly passes by in the lives of the apostles, and in more recent times, in our own lives. Yet, too often, thinking about how 'ready' we are after the five weeks of Lent, made me focus on "my" Lenten experience, "my" feelings and "my" response to the whole redemption saga.

Thinking this way I realize, tends to bring out my shallow, selfish side: how can His sacrifice and resurrection be measured by the way we 'feel' in 'response' to such abundance of grace? Obviously, our tainted nature made our response always incommensurate to the actual grace poured out, and this too despite multiple chances & occasions: many seasons of Lent and Easter, instead of just one.

As such, spiritual warfare is actually going on at all times. Sometimes it's more obvious, sometimes less so: in Palm Sunday's Mass we read the Entrance to Jerusalem at the beginning, and then read the whole account of the Passion for the Gospel. What a stark contrast in the change of my fickle heart, what a stark reminder to my own sinfulness!

This Holy Week, after many weeks of grasping, I think I will heed the advice to stand still beneath the Cross and let grace flow from Him whom we have pierced: for it is time.

May you have a holy week.

Reflections & Homilies for Lent

Looking at my sitemeter, a lot of recent visitors have stumbled upon this blog looking for reflections or homilies regarding the feast days (St Joseph's, Annunciation) and the coming Holy Week. Writing daily reflection or homilies is unfortunately neither my charism nor my vocation!

May I refer you to this Dominican site (run by students, normally friars who are priesthood candidates) that puts up a light reflection daily for your Lenten companion? (Yeah I know it's a bit late now.. but it's never too late!)

Bishop Fulton Sheen on Confession

I wish I'd seen him speak on this topic.. it took me four years after baptism to make my first ever confession, and many, many years later to appreciate how important this sacrament is and what a wretched sinner I am.

I hope this helps someone out there this Lent!

More here, here and here.

On Conversion

Our dear Pope, ever the teacher, gave a wonderful food for thought and prayer in his address for Ash Wednesday this year, an extract of it here (bold typeface mine):

From the beginning, therefore, Lent was lived as the time of immediate preparation for baptism, which is administered solemnly during the paschal vigil. The whole of Lent was a journey toward this great encounter with Christ, toward immersion in Christ and the renewal of life.

We are already baptized, but often baptism is not very effective in our daily life. Therefore, Lent is also for us a renewed "catechumenate" in which we again go out to encounter our baptism and rediscover and relive it in depth, to again be really Christians.

...

But what does conversion really mean? Conversion means to seek God, to walk with God, to follow docilely the teachings of his Son, Jesus Christ; to be converted is not an effort to fulfill oneself, because the human being is not the architect of his own destiny. We have not made ourselves. Therefore, self-fulfillment is a contradiction and is too little for us. We have a higher destiny.

We could say that conversion consists precisely in not considering ourselves "creators" of ourselves, thus discovering the truth, because we are not authors of ourselves. Conversion consists in accepting freely and with love that we depend totally on God, our true Creator, that we depend on love. This is not dependence but liberty.

To be converted means, therefore, not to pursue personal success, which is something that passes but that, abandoning all human security, we follow the Lord with simplicity and trust, so that Jesus will become for each one, as Teresa of Calcutta liked to say, "my all in all." Whoever lets himself be conquered by him is not afraid of losing his own life, because on the cross he loved us and gave himself for us. And, in fact, by losing our life out of love, we find it again.

Read the rest here.

Note from a Lenten reading

To journey in the Lenten season, I am reading a book about (and thus transparently titled) the Passion and Death of Our Lord Jesus Christ. There was a passage reflecting on the discourse at the Last Supper, about falling to sin and ... rising again. It focuses on Jesus' warning to the two main protagonists in its corresponding passage in the Bible, the apostles Simon Peter and Judas Iscariot.

On the coming failure of the Twelve (pg 65)

After Jesus warned the Twelve that "the sheep of the flock shall be dispersed" when the shepherd is struck, Simon Peter, recalling times when Jesus had rebuked them for being 'of little faith', asserted that their loyalty remained with the Master. He was indignant that one of the Twelve should be declared disloyal; and furthermore, to be told that not one but all of them 'that very night' would desert Him. "Peter answering said to Him, Although all shall be scandalized in Thee, I will never be scandalized."

At first Jesus seemed to ignore Simon Peter's impetuosity. He loved Peter, therefore He could let his contradiction pass; in spite of all, He knew that Peter loved Him, and therefore in love He could speak to him. He would show Peter how much he was loved and cared for than Peter himself suspected. ... Until He is compelled, Jesus will not look at Peter the deserter, He will only consider the future leader of the flock:
'And the Lord said, Simon Simon,
Behold Satan hath desired to have you
That he may sift you as wheat
But I have prayed for thee
That they faith fail not
And thou being once converted
Confirm thy brethren.'

Strengthened by the Eucharistic meal and touched by the Master's humbling gesture of the washing of his feet, Peter made an offer of his life, very likely thinking this is another of such test, a trial of his courage, Jesus gave his response.

How easy is it to be brave when no danger is near us! How easy to be faithful when there is no temptation to desert, but only sweet attraction to draw us! But not in such a way may those be trained who are destined to guide others. For that end Peter must be allowed his lesson, which only a heavy fall would teach him. In the answer which Jesus gave him, there is irony, there is resignation, there is even hope, there is no less affection; indeed love is the more expressed by the repetition of the name.
...
'Amen Amen I say to thee Peter,
Today even in this night
Before the cock crow twice
Thou shalt deny me thrice'
...
'Peter!' Before He had said: 'Simon, Simon', now it was 'Peter!' Then his ordinary name, now when his fall is prophesied, he is called 'The Rock!' Such is the affectionate irony of Jesus Christ.

This section deals with the betrayal of Peter, and contrasting it to Judas', and the great irony given Peter's repeated declaration of loyalty.

Judas that night would betray Him but once, Peter would deny Him thrice. Judas had made no special protest of allegiance, Peter had declared his loyalty again and again. Judas had been entrusted merely with the common purse; to Peter had been given the keys, the care of the Universal Church! And yet, after their fall, how differently they were treated! Before a human court of justice Peter might well have received a greater condemnation; in the eyes of Jesus his offence was condoned. For those eyes see beneath the surface, they distinguish sin from sin, malice from mere weakness, heart from heart, where human justice is blinded. As they looked at these two, and beheld even their repentance, still they were not deceived. The one repented out of despair, the other, with all is weakness, had never ceased to love; and Jesus knew the value of them both.

I always find in St Peter, as a representative of the apostles, a figure of inspiration: for "[these men] loved Him, at least they wished to love Him,... and though that love would fail on trial, yet would it not die. It would rise again, it would rise again purified, taught by humiliation to know its own weakness, and then, when later the supreme trial came, it would not fail, they would not deny Him.... He would still be patient with them, as He had always been before; smoking flax He would not extinguish, it would yet burst into flame. He had chosen the weak things of the world to confound the strong; therefore, because they were weak, until they learnt their weakness and where their true strength lay, it became their Master and Lord to bear with them, at whatever cost to Himself."

"Led into the desert"

Fr Philip captured the wandering feeling I've always had about Lent. He reflected on last Ash Wednesday's readings and commented how Jesus did not go into the desert not because He wanted to pray there, not because He wanted solitude there (well I won't know this one for sure!), but most likely because He "was led by the Spirit into the desert for forty days to be tempted by the devil."

Likewise, Lent has always caught me unprepared; no matter how much we religiously follow the Church's liturgical calendar, Ash Wednesday always drifted in too soon, always at an inconvenient time of my life, and always demanding something beyond the exterior practice of fasting and penance. Fr Philip wrote this inspiring post to remind us that each Lent we are called to face the temptation of evils in our lives. Read the rest for yourself!

For more reflection material this Lent, read our dear Pope's reflection contemplating Christ Crucified.

Have a blessed Lent, everyone!

From dust to dust

My favorite liturgical season, Lent, has started. I'm not sure when Lent became my favorite time of the year; this morning's homily made me realize how sometimes Lent is reduced to the idea of repentance and reflection, and not the practice of "rending [my] heart" itself.

As I go through several major crossroads in many areas of my life right now, I realized that too many Lenten seasons have gone by without a real resolution and a real repentance. Over the next six weeks I'm going to try making several resolutions and reflect about it here.

This week's resolution has been: To find a virtue to cultivate and a vice to fight for Lent :)